fighting the jury in my head

how to decide what is important to me?

my friends and my boyfriend - or the opportunity to get away from everything i've ever hated?

i cannot make this decision. i am NOT qualified to choose one over the other, to choose my own self importance or my love for these other people. i can't DO it. i don't know how. i don't know how to reconcile myself to the fact that whatever i choose, i am going to lose something...

i feel ill. i feel scared and small and tired and less than human or animal or mineral.


i don't want this anymore, i don't want any of this, please take it away from me, i don't want to be special or gifted or clever anymore. i don't want it.