fighting the jury in my head

how to decide what is important to me?

my friends and my boyfriend - or the opportunity to get away from everything i've ever hated?

i cannot make this decision. i am NOT qualified to choose one over the other, to choose my own self importance or my love for these other people. i can't DO it. i don't know how. i don't know how to reconcile myself to the fact that whatever i choose, i am going to lose something...

i feel ill. i feel scared and small and tired and less than human or animal or mineral.


i don't want this anymore, i don't want any of this, please take it away from me, i don't want to be special or gifted or clever anymore. i don't want it.

i could save you, baby, but it isn't worth my time

this is the last time i'm going to mention her, i swear, i swear.
god, i miss you so much it's unreal. i've lifted my phone a million times to text you and ask you about your new man, to share this or that piece of gossip, to ask you what i should do about uni and all because i need help so, so much. because we were always good at those parts. the talking and discussing and the laughing and the crying. and god, for a while we were everything to each other and i loved you so, so much. i don't think you'll ever know. the way you loved me was selfish, like a child loves a toy. you wanted all of me, but you wouldn't give me all of you. never. i loved you unconditionally. all i wanted was for you to be happy.
and you used me.
you are untrustworthy, you are a liar, you are manipulative, you are deceitful, you never think anything is ever your fault, you are lazy and feckless and selfish and i hope you burn in hell because no one has ever, ever broken my heart like you did.
i tried. i tried so goddamn hard. i tried even after everything you did when you were going out with my boyfriend's best friend. i tried to give you another chance, but that became another, and another...
it got too much and i couldn't cope with a friendship like that anymore. not when you tell people things that i find painfully embarrassing. not when you try to turn me against the nicest person in the world. to think i nearly lost her because of you. shame on you.
i miss what we had. i feel sorry for you, more than anything else, because deep down i know how unhappy you are. but that is not my fault, and it never will be. and i'm sorry that i can't be who you need me to be. but i've changed too much and this friendship can't survive because you're exactly the same person you always were and will be.

i loved you.

i'm sorry.




goodbye.

trapped in his bedroom he saw the world

if i was the advice giving type, this would be it: don't say forever, don't make promises, never regret a single thing, and always be willing to trust and fall in love. because the ending isn't what matters. it's the journey.

this is the end. it's over, the whole thing is over. now she hates me as much as i hate her and it is over.
no one has ever hurt me so much in my entire life, but it is over.
it is done.

i don't know quite how to feel.

blake thinks angels grow where you plant angel dust

i think the best way to describe my style is "cautiously optimistic". that's certainly how i feel right now, in general anyway. but right now, i feel like i have the sun and the moon and the stars in my eyes; like i was created from gold and glitter and all that is good and sweet and pure. i'm on a high, the best kind. this total want of care and worry is so alien to me as to be wonderous. it's freeing. tonight i'm going to go home, listen to teardrop by massive attack LOUD and just generally wonder at the infinity of everything behind my eyes.

and this is what it is like, or what it is like in words.

it's so polite it's offensive

what were we? i don't understand it anymore.

never mind.

today i am cleaning. i don't hate cleaning, i just... i cling to things, like if i keep everything the same way nothing will have changed anywhere else in my life. and then some days, the opposite – i need things to change, so i clean and i organize and i try to figure out: where do we go from here?

today it's all about the latter.

i'm too worn out to think straight. i want my life to be straightforward and i want people to stop telling lies that i can see straight through.

probably never gonna happen.

maybe more later when there's something to actually talk about

should i stay... or should i go?