but you are, my love, the astronaut

So, the thing is; my boyfriend doesn't ever plan on falling in love again.

Which is, you know, nice to know. Makes me feel right special, that does.

In all fairness, I can understand. Sort of. It must be difficult, having been in a long term relationship, to allow someone to be in that position to hurt you again. I mean, how would I know? I've never had anything that's lasted more than a few months. And yet...

There's part of me that just doesn't get it. I don't, I'm sorry. I'm one of those crazy people that just... I love to love, you know? I've fallen in love, oh, twice maybe? Ridiculously so. But, you know, shit happens. You move on. The hurt is worth it. The pain is worth it to have ever loved someone at all. It's not fun when it all does wrong – and it almost inevitably does – but isn't it better than not being able to let go? I act the cynic, about people, about life, and everything. But I'm not really. And when I think about it, I'd hate to be truly cynical because I thrive on hope.

It's left me reeling. I knew things were going to have to go slowly, but to hear it from him: "fuck love." How am I supposed to feel? I don't know whether staying with him and taking the time and trying to make him see that there is good in caring, that I or someone else might one day be worth it; I don't know if I can do that. I do care an awful lot about him, but. Part of me wonders if I will ever live up to her, the ex. If I will ever make him feel the way she did. If he will ever let himself go with me the way he did with her.

Part of me wonders if I really want to be spending my time with someone who is clearly so afraid of everything that I hold dear. If he's never going to be able to get over that hurt, then what's the point?

I don't want him to stop thinking about her, to stop being her friend. I'm not jealous, at least, not in the traditional sense. It's not like I never think of the last person I loved. It's not like I never talk to him. But. I accept it. It happened, and I moved on. My coping skills are legendary, but I don't think I'm anything special.

All I want, really, is for him to be happy. I don't want him to be dealing with this anymore. I want him to realise that love – and life in general – is twenty times more fun if you just let the past go and fuck everything that's happened before. However, I don't know whether I'm a help or a hindrance in this matter. I just wish... I wish I knew what to do for the best.

Of the good: best friends that you can sleep on are made of awesome. Other best friends who give you Magnum ice creams are even awesomer. The Mighty Boosh is freaking sweet, I have two new favourite bands, and UNI IN 7 MONTHS :D