bad in the blood

Today was... not easy. I felt ill, I felt tired. I was still mulling over last night. It was not cool.

Right now I'm feeling better. Less frantic, at least. I'm so unsure about the future right now, it's terrifying. You see, I have this streak in me that makes me want to turn tail and run, start my life over somewhere different where no one knows my name and I will never have to apologize for who I am again.
Now I've had this opportunity handed to me on a plate and I can't decide whether taking it is giving up or grasping life by the scruff of the neck.
I have a lot of big decision making to do. Which is five kinds of bad (at least) because I can't even choose what film I want to watch without mulling it over for at least ten minutes.
Lately I keep thinking about orange roses, and what I could have done differently. At the time, I thought nothing could have changed what happened – there is no coincidence. there is only the inevitable. – but the more I think about it, the more I appreciate what I had.
Lynn asked me today what was keeping me here, if not – and I said, I don't know.
I don't know what to do for the best. How not to hurt anyone. How to cause myself the least hurt possible. What do I really need, really? And do I have it... let's be honest... is this it?
Maybe the only way to escape the past is to leave it physically behind you.